Damn, where did it go?

Where has my inspiration gone?  I have been trying to write a blog entry for weeks, but I keep losing steam.  Usually, I will get a burst, most likely in the form of a sentence or a congealing idea, but I have felt little these past couple weeks.  In fact, my writing in general has taken a hiatus.  I can’t understand why.  How can lose it only after a couple months at site?  Aren’t I still seeing new things every day?  The answer is yes, but for some reason, I am lacking the creative abilities to spin into something interesting.  I don’t want to just list bland updates, and great epiphanies have abandoned me for the time being.  It is among the many things that are slipping and a constant source of anxiety for me.

It seems whenever I begin another adventure/task/phase in life, I come to a point, a trial I must pass through where I come to grips with the reality that my vision and expectations about what I am undertaking and its actual reality don’t match up.  I am there now.  When I stepped on the plane at JFK I had goals.  Goals to push myself to do more than I had attempted before, to really take charge of my professional development, to take advantage of my academically-prepped mind and be as sharp as ever.  I was really gonna figure out how to be a leader here, how to be a professional anthropologist, and maybe this time, this endeavor, I would find that I could be the best at something instead of just merely “good.”  Maybe I could be the best at learning language, the best at writing, observing, culturally understanding, or critiquing.  Maybe, in my wildest dreams, I could even be the best volunteer.  In some ways all my switching between different endeavors in life are a result of my many interests in the world—dancing when I was a kid, music when I was in high school, culture, archaeology, traveling, and language in college, jobs in (sort of) exotic locales, trying to merge them all in grad school, plus all of the minor interests in between.  And that is definitely true.  I never really possessed the ability to devote myself and my attentions to any one thing.  The world is a big, diverse, and interesting place that everyone should explore to the fullest, but a big part of all that “dabbling” has been about searching for something I was naturally better at than anyone else.  And I thought, this time, with as much work, time, and knowledge I gained in graduate school, I could be a step ahead, but also at the same time be active in gaining so many more insights and skills.  That vision, like so many others, is not being realized.  That doesn’t mean other good things aren’t created in its place, but it is still a struggle to let go of it, to not use the f-word—failure.  But now, as someone recently advised me, it’s time to come down from that.  No matter what I gain, I am still no better at anything than anyone else.  But it is even more splintered than that.  Some things I am still weak in, others I am strong.  I am not strong in all things.  All of the advanced education in the world won’t make me better at gathering people, running meetings and making inspiring speeches, but that’s what I have Kwesi for.  No amount of education can make me a complete master of my space such as he is as we walk around Damanko and I am a bit jealous of that.  I am lucky to have such and able and knowledgeable counterpart—a prime example of what Peace Corps envisioned when they created such a role in their program—so why can’t I just relish this blessing I have instead of being intimidated by it?

In many ways, I have been thrust into a role I have never encountered before.  This was not unexpected.  I wanted that as a part of continually trying to push myself to new insights and growth opportunities.  Never have I been asked or looked to to organize things, to be the source of serious quality of life improvements, the source of new ideas, knowledge and advice.  It’s rather intimidating.  In a place like this, people are hungry for ideas, for knowledge, for opportunities.  Sure there are always those who are looking to improve their lives only through money (or trips to America), because they think that is the only way they can make their lives better, but if you can find those people who aren’t worried with that, you have found the gems.  The people who want only to learn more, to be connected to something different, to be given something they can in turn give to others, are the real movers and shakers of development and the ones who will make the most impact.  So then I find myself thinking—Damn, how do I live up to that?  Kwesi and Joseph talk to me about following Peace Corps because the advice that comes to them through its volunteers suits them well and has really moved them somehow.  How do I live up to that?  People never come to me for advice at home.  Peace Corps training provides me with certain technical knowledge that I am expected to give, but life as a foreign volunteer in an underprivileged community requires a much wider breadth of advice.  Sometimes I look at the two of them and I think:  You can already do so much, what can I possibly give you?